It’s that time of year again. Christmas gifts, stocking stuffers, and all sorts of sugary office candies surround you, but what if you aren’t exactly feeling all warm and fuzzy toward your boss? Or even toward your job for that fact? Well this list is for those of you forced (whether from a Secret Santa or pure guilt) to get your boss something for the holidays.

Please note the chance of you getting fired after giving one of these holiday presents is likely. You’ve.been.warned.

Here we go, the Top 5 Gifts for a Boss You Hate:

Swinging in at #5:
The Passive Aggressive Book Purchase: Nothing quite smacks your boss like giving a “resource book” on something you think they do horribly. Just hit up your local book store and look for “101 Ways to be a Better Boss” or something like “Management, What You Are Doing Wrong.” If you want to add some serious spite in there—highlight the chapters you think they should really focus on. Yeah that usually does the trick. Don’t forget to add a little card that says, “I know you love books, thought I would add to the library!” Just horrible. Horribly awesome that is.

Rolling in at #4:
Continuing in the same vein --what about a magazine subscription to something they hate or even better something they know nothing about? This works for two reasons:  (1) They are now acutely aware you could care less if you get them a gift they would actually want and (2) It shows them you know nothing about them & more so don’t care to get to know them. We suggest any magazines made for classical music enthusiasts, hunting & firearms, or sci-fi. These are all pretty safe bets for the boss you hate.

Sneaking in at #3:
This one is just cruel. You excited? How about a gift certificate to your local gym? Yup I just went there. Nothing says “Get off your lazy ass” like a gift certificate to the gym. Again the really good stuff is in the details, be sure to couple this gift certificate with a box of chocolates or a tin of homemade cookies. The confusing message itself is worth embracing.

Runner up at #2:
Always a crowd favorite: A “World’s Best Boss” trophy. The bigger, the cheesier, the better. Make sure this is something that no one would ever “actually buy” for someone else. Then include a little card that says, “A little something for your desk, you rock!” The magic is found in the fact they will feel obligated to actually keep it in their office, which will make those one-on-one meetings even more fun in the future.

Those are great, but the winner shines at #1:

The Top Gift to Give a Boss You Hate: A best friend’s necklace. If you really don’t like them enough to consider any of the above, chances are they hate you as well, so this gift is a true kick to the face. Accompanying card should read, “Will You Be My Best Friend Forever? Check Yes or {phrase of your choice}.
Sidenote: After giving this gift & the card you should probably just start clearing out your desk. You know...to get a head start.

Have a great holiday everyone! Don’t forget gift giving is an important part of the holiday season, so plan accordingly.